Freedom.

Is.

The Mother of Creation.

DNA, TOO.

Sep 29. What I did with it.

I have been working and more than was good for me and I had to get away and there were things that made me angry and highlights that made me happy and I have thought countless times that I should get here and write but there were no words and I was sad and then I was happy again and then I was sad again and nothing nothing nothing nothing was easy but that is wrong because some things went remarkably well and what to do about it all and hey so many comments and I have not got it in me to give back and I have no idea what you all are up to as I have not read any blog in a loooong time but I cannot help that because I was just too exhausted to do anything besides make money and I am aware that this is not smart and I know that I am not telling it as I should nor as it is and I have not kept a promise to send a painting to someone although the packing material is ready and I have also bought many bottles of paint and large canvases and I got an invitation to an expo in England next year but I have also not painted since August 21 and where does it all go and is the world going mad or is it me that is the question and depending on perspective I know that all is as it should be or not and when will I be able to sleep again on a regular basis without drugs and that worries me too but on the other hand I find myself increasingly more effective when helping others but does that make me feel fresh no it does not and why can a five star hotel not soothe me as it used to and no I am not ditching anyone and yes it feels like drowning at times and then again that is wrong too as i am also flying high sober so where are the words that are right instead of being garbled everything?

And a part of me yearns to be here everyday and make an impact and have friends but then I am not willing to tackle fear philosophy while not being on top of things but I know I have to and the impact the impact the impact of every thought every word every deed is just too much at times to bear and I forget that I can shield should shield must love and the fifth floor is a good place to jump and still I do not and am in terror of even considering such a thing but every thought word deed is counting so what am I gonna do to release the thickness that keeps me from breathing and again this is all wrong because now now now everything is just wonderful but I am lonely.

Spreading I am spreading energy and I can feel it and it warbles and shoots and beams and attacks but that is not what I want so I call for help but is this the place to do it as I want this to be the place for making visible light that I know know know feel experience live is there and oh it is so tiring to not being able to explode in beauty like you all deserve and so I come here today and scream kick retch instead of shine but then that is not true either.

So I rise I rise I splurge on this being my private space and I will never yield to conformity for it is death and now you know it and don't go away or do oh give me peace oh give me strength to stand fast in the coming years as there will be fighting and those calling for ever more violence and all I can do is shine a light and I want too but fuck it is a challenge like no other but I tell you I will be back oh yeah and that is my story and I am sticking to it.