Heat.

Hotter Than July. Feb 23, 2006

Feb 24, 2006. Q, Infinity and Freya! Your comments have made this change possible:

24 hours later

I don't know if you like it, but I am happy with it now. In fact I've had such a great time that I did another one:

Phoenix. Feb 24, 2006

Life is good for me, today. I can't remember a day in the last two weeks when I felt better. It is as it should be: I have done these for myself. Yes, I hope you will like what you see. After all, you were the ones catalyzing the kick that made me really get to work again. Still, if you're not quite hot about them, I will nevertheless know that these works are as alive and kicking as I feel myself right now.

I thank you as I am thanking myself.

Vanity.

You know guys: I'm flattered - and I did not know it was THAT easy to flatter me. Bullshit. I have known this. Infinitesimal has asked me to do yet another list of four.

So, I'm back from the Ticino. Back from hard work AND a lot of excellent food, wine and grappa and I gladly comply, beautiful:

4 things/people that make (made) me smile:

1. A ticket to New York
2. Mails from those I miss
3. Martha and Viva - and no, you don't need to know who Viva is.
4. Freya when she wrote about the "error inside me" (no need to apologize, friend!)

4 ways to win my heart:

1. Love me for who I am and not for who you want me to be
2. Love yourself for who you really are and not what others want you to be
3. Don't talk about things that make me trust you and then act otherwise
4. Don't declare taboos out of fear

4 things I believe in:

1. The power of thought
2. The power of words
3. The power of deeds
4. The power of my link to the universe (whenever I'm not struggling in the deepest pit)

4 Things I am afraid of:

1. To hurt or deceive others in any way
2. To be famous but a fraud
3. Gut reactions (as in: kill someone without regret and a smile on my face after they've hurt someone I love)
4. To be this honest

4 Things I do every day:

1. Talk with "them"
2. Ask' em questions
3. Think of loved ones
4. Tell myself that I am not to judge anyone, including myself

4 things/people I want to see right now:

You
A new post from Melissa
An agent who wants to market my paintings and writing
A monk who invites me into his monastery in Tibet for about six months (and someone who pays my bills while I am away)

4 people I want to see do this list of fours:

Sheena, Jan, Jennie and Thomas

Going going gone.

Tomorrow I'll be off again for about four days.

This time, I will travel down to the Ticino, the Italian speaking part of our country to verify information about a neat little travel guide we're doing for a German bank's customers. Could be a treat but deadlines are once more less than comfortable.

So, Freya, you have asked me if there was "error inside me" when I posted that thing about restructuring my life and I say to you: No! No error inside me. Just too much to do.

In the last seven days (since I came back from the cooking stunt) I have prepared and had a DM (direct marketing) presentation for a Swiss version of Martha Stewart. I have written four ads for a construction company. I have done and redone an e-mail invitation for some guys who build call centers, I have written an ad for a furniture company and interviewed some doctors for an article I am to write about a hospital til Tuesday (actually I should write that one tonight but it is 1 AM and I do not have it in me. Will have to be done in the hotel room tomorrow night, then) . I have also worked on that travel guide and I have written a bunch of campaign ideas for a motorbike exposition. And that is just regular work without the admin stuff and without private things that have to be settled.

On the other hand, I have not done any painting for two months. I have missed an evening with my friends at the circle last Monday. And despite all the work I am hard pressed to pay my bills because many of my clients have not paid their dues.

--

It's actually stupid to worry about money. 'Cause when I don't it always just flows in at the right time. Always. But I'm only human - you know, the learning on a daily basis-thing. Still, those on the other side keep telling me that I should trust, trust, trust ...

--

Yeah, Mr. Q, Single Malts are an incentive I like. A dangerous one. And to get away from things that make my brain race WOULD be nice. And, Infinitesimal, do I feel other living beings? Yeah. To the point that I have to get away from all human company at times because I can't stand the vibes. And then I sometimes don't know anymore what energies are mine. And I suddenly think that I do not feel anything at all anymore. Anything but sadness that is. Makes it kinda hard to shrug off the darkness, does it not, Malva?

So again: Is there error inside me? And I still say: No. The only error lies in neglecting the things that I truly need in my life to balance it out: Painting, writing from the heart, spirituality, time for reflection. Add healthy food. Fresh air. Enough sleep.

To think that I have lived dire imbalance for many years without even realizing it, is ... well ... I'm thankful, that these days I can see the signs. It will be interesting to see what I am going to do about it this time around.

Rise and Shine? You can bet on it. To quote myself (this is taken from a comment I wrote somewhere else) :

"Life. Bit like climbing a mountain and there are valleys in between. Can you ignore the valleys? Can you just fly over them? No, you walk through them. The joy - for me - is in looking back when I have passed the pit (once again) and finally come up and out, feeling the warmth of the sun - knowing that I did find the courage to go on when I was in darkness. I know then and there that I might - will - stumble again. But during those days of strength I could not care less."

Nuff said.

Very educating.

These are the adults I have met during the ski camp for kids (mentioned further below):

A middle-aged woman who rarely said a word and was completely helpless when a teenager panicked because of a prank.

A 35 year old who read the newspaper all the time and mostly did not speak either or answer questions.

A 40 year old gentleman who lived through the week by resorting to ironical statements.

One young man who usually left the table right after dinner.

A frustrated guy of about 55 who dominated the group by endless chatter, ceaseless drinking and subdued agression.

A lady (36) who had her most lively moments of the week when she explained to girls (14) which boys they should date ("Oh, nooooooooo, do not go for Marc. He is craaaaaap. Frank is muuuuch better looking. He's the ooooooonly one worth looking at. Forget about all the other ones.").

Now, kindly replace the word "adults" in the first line by "teachers".

---

To you, Prism, Martha and all you teachers with an open heart and a respect for children: Tough job! I mean ... with colleagues like yours' who needs enemies?

Dear All.

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me e-mails over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and wealthy.

Thank you all the Generals' daughters in Nigeria and Burkino-Faso who have invited me to share in their $35 million inheritance - one day I'm sure the cash will arrive in my bank.

Thanks also to those who have placed winning international lottery tickets for me, without my knowledge. So far I've won £65 billion.

Thanks to the manufacturers and suppliers of Viagra and all their cut price offers. When I need it I might take them up.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about what the rat crap in the glue on envelopes can cause. I now have to get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer worry about my soul because at the last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learnt that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all - but that will all change once I receive the £15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour!

If you don't send this message to at least 144,000 people in the next seven minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhoea will land on your head at 5pm (GMT) this afternoon.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

(Sent to me from England 10 minutes ago and
just too good to be deleted. THNX, Nina!)

Post No. 30.

What is it that has to be said today? Why am I sitting here after 10 days of being away, too tired too think but unable to switch off?

"You need to restructure your life." - Can I do that? - "You know, you can." - Then why am I sad? - "You fear loss."- Of what? - "Love." - Will you help me? - "We always do." - It is hard. - "Trust. You need to trust."

I feel like crying. - "Have you not learned from past experiences? Sorrow is a key." - I know, and I'll get out stronger. But what can I do to make these passages easier? - "Live your life without regret."

And my fears? - "Trust. Why do you not trust?" - I might be alone. - "You are never alone." - Oh, why are you so far away? - "Are we?" - No. I ... - "Then what is your fear?" - To brake down. To fail.

"Take the key."

Cookin'.

Four days of madness: behind me. Those jobs I have written about: done. Bones: aching. Tired!!

And now I'm off for yet another week - helping feed a bunch of school kids in a ski-camp. If anyone of you reads this:

Hello. Goodbye. Til then.